Two lights, two colors, two forces.
Feb. 20th, 2016 12:47 amThe bold one, first to charge forward, and the cautious one, first to plan and direct.
The avid performer and the quiet creator, subtle guide and spirited leader.
The will, the initiative to aim for the stars, and the meticulousness to carry it forward.
The inward focus of the ascetic, and the outward direction of the adventurer.
The mind to invoke knowledge and power from books, and the soul to direct it through the trees, the rivers, the earth.
The protection and love of home and hearth, and the stories of lands and worlds far away.
I wonder if it even had a beginning. I've always considered the possibility I may catch and interact with spirits in passing, and more recently that I can break and reform my own. Nothing in isolation, nothing fixed and everything fluid. Even in high school I took an effeminate aesthetic. I didn't know why, thought it looked cool on an anime character, but moreso it felt right. Called myself a two-spirit as early as 2006, no knowledge of the tribes from which I'd jacked the term, and no other way to define it. Never suppressed it, but swept it under the rug. Vanadis was lurking in my head then too, making cute little marks on the page. I called hir Kapari, unsure whether it was an individual name or a species name. One of my friends called hir "Rain Raver" because of the homeworld and the glowing storms.
I need to provide context. I don't believe in individual souls. I see existence like energy, able to split and merge like the globs in a lava lamp. Whether shi was a force that broke off of the original 'me' and returned with a defined form, or another force I picked up along the way I can't entirely say. Shi insists both are true. Maybe it's a way of breathing life and believability into headvoices. Maybe it's literally giving them life.
Either way, well... I feel like I'm taking pages out of Garnet's book here. Learning how to reclaim the sense of balance I tried for, and to improve on it. True or not, there's some potent implications for self-improvement, and that's a bare minimum.
And yet the rabbit hole goes ever deeper. The earliest memories I have and know for a fact are of water, feeling as a moving force of cheer and laughter within it. I used to believe I was literally having unborn memories. And in my bookish gryphonic fashion, I just goggled when and how babies develop senses. That can't be right. I was literally seeing underwater. Clearly. Vocalizing too, and not in that gargly bubble-blowing way. I think I need to explore this more. Like, *A LOT* more.
What in the nine hells and heavens WAS I? Where? I can't even say for sure quite what I am NOW!
I'll find a way though. I'll find a way. I've got the time to, and for once I've got the patience. Though anymore... I feel like my awakening was symbolically tossing my alarm aside and sleeping just a couple hours longer. I dunno, uh... Good morning, planet Earth! :D
It feels, in MANY ways, like I'm the present becoming the past, and using that to see life through another lens.
The avid performer and the quiet creator, subtle guide and spirited leader.
The will, the initiative to aim for the stars, and the meticulousness to carry it forward.
The inward focus of the ascetic, and the outward direction of the adventurer.
The mind to invoke knowledge and power from books, and the soul to direct it through the trees, the rivers, the earth.
The protection and love of home and hearth, and the stories of lands and worlds far away.
I wonder if it even had a beginning. I've always considered the possibility I may catch and interact with spirits in passing, and more recently that I can break and reform my own. Nothing in isolation, nothing fixed and everything fluid. Even in high school I took an effeminate aesthetic. I didn't know why, thought it looked cool on an anime character, but moreso it felt right. Called myself a two-spirit as early as 2006, no knowledge of the tribes from which I'd jacked the term, and no other way to define it. Never suppressed it, but swept it under the rug. Vanadis was lurking in my head then too, making cute little marks on the page. I called hir Kapari, unsure whether it was an individual name or a species name. One of my friends called hir "Rain Raver" because of the homeworld and the glowing storms.
I need to provide context. I don't believe in individual souls. I see existence like energy, able to split and merge like the globs in a lava lamp. Whether shi was a force that broke off of the original 'me' and returned with a defined form, or another force I picked up along the way I can't entirely say. Shi insists both are true. Maybe it's a way of breathing life and believability into headvoices. Maybe it's literally giving them life.
Either way, well... I feel like I'm taking pages out of Garnet's book here. Learning how to reclaim the sense of balance I tried for, and to improve on it. True or not, there's some potent implications for self-improvement, and that's a bare minimum.
And yet the rabbit hole goes ever deeper. The earliest memories I have and know for a fact are of water, feeling as a moving force of cheer and laughter within it. I used to believe I was literally having unborn memories. And in my bookish gryphonic fashion, I just goggled when and how babies develop senses. That can't be right. I was literally seeing underwater. Clearly. Vocalizing too, and not in that gargly bubble-blowing way. I think I need to explore this more. Like, *A LOT* more.
What in the nine hells and heavens WAS I? Where? I can't even say for sure quite what I am NOW!
I'll find a way though. I'll find a way. I've got the time to, and for once I've got the patience. Though anymore... I feel like my awakening was symbolically tossing my alarm aside and sleeping just a couple hours longer. I dunno, uh... Good morning, planet Earth! :D
It feels, in MANY ways, like I'm the present becoming the past, and using that to see life through another lens.