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Beauty's in the little things.
Jan. 26th, 2016 09:35 pmIt's been a month and a day since I put on this mask, pulled out of the void by a particular song played in a moment of raw, trusting vulnerability. That long since setting in a motion a shift in my perspective that led to a natural, 'right' feeling not just in following and befriending dragons but becoming one myself.
I've realized by now, this is not the first time I've seen it and the raw creative power within it, rather the third. Excuse me if my prose is a little frenetic, a little paradoxial, but this is a tale I spin by mere existence, and my life is one of many stories that gives it strength.
In this moment I live speak on wire from a true rainforest, a land of near-constant clouds, and trees as far as the eye can see. The ability to come here in the first place was secured by someone with which I'd shared an abusive relationship for years, only for the tools to escape it to be provided by someone who I've only recently learned was a rapist. From hellfire to hellfire and back out again. I've been scorched, lied to, screamed at, manipulated by the people I cared about the most, while at the same time assisted, consoled and sheltered by them enough to find some identity and flair in my own right. I've gone from coming within a hair of being a father, through blatant lies and misplaced trust, to fast becoming a woman in all senses of the word, through support of a truly caring community and my body gently leading me to what I feel is right.
I once felt like I've wasted a large chunk of my life feeling trapped in the run down casino town where I was born and raised, shifting from having wanted to become a park ranger to hearing stories of my roommate's family's shenanigans in the very places I'd intended to guide tourists through, with year after year in between wasted wheeling books around in a little warehouse only a couple miles and a short hike away from where I'd found the mask in the first place.
I watched the furry community in Reno grow from next to nothing to staffing, helping set up, and experience the first iteration of the fastest-growing, hype-heavy con in the whole damn fandom, only to leave and later realize there were literally only two other people I could've sustained any real connection with had I tried harder, one of which had all but vanished for most of my time there, to watching the remnants of my presence fade to tiny threads and nothing more, not even a year after I left.
And these days? I live with a kind-hearted man who plays classic bollywood hits in the living room, plays on and rebuilds computers from before even the Commodore days, and love an equally kind-hearted chemist who likes classic 40s movies and Jeff Rosenstock. I've found family, love, and support here, in a way I've heard another of us literally call "draconic values", though the real meaning is never set in stone. I'm on a monogamous edge of a four-way relationship, friends drawn close, the sensual dances to me simply another form of communication, sharing, and all of us in full agreement doing our own takes on the side. And since finding a life this nice, I feel drawn to sharing it as best I can and helping others find their own, however I can.
There is so much more I could tell you, but if nothing else, I have several things up my sleeve that you won't find in many people, and a combination of strange circumstances that you won't find with anyone else, period. It's the experiences and the stories. The ones I write, the ones I live, and the ones I see and read that give Vanadis hir true power, and through that, myself as well. I'm a storyteller, a creator, a performer.
I'm here to perform, here to share, and even if it's, at it's most basic level, an act, there's a little more to it. You're gonna see me liken wearing a dragon to being a dragon. Sie's a role, a facet, but within those threads... sie is me. This is how I see my identity.
I'm not sure what's to become of the little gryphon girl. She's well liked by people in her own right, and she is just as much me, in a subtler, perhaps less artificial, contrived way. She's not going to be consumed by the mask, but rather the host that carries, wears and nurtures it. As to what that entails, that remains to me seen.
I've realized by now, this is not the first time I've seen it and the raw creative power within it, rather the third. Excuse me if my prose is a little frenetic, a little paradoxial, but this is a tale I spin by mere existence, and my life is one of many stories that gives it strength.
In this moment I live speak on wire from a true rainforest, a land of near-constant clouds, and trees as far as the eye can see. The ability to come here in the first place was secured by someone with which I'd shared an abusive relationship for years, only for the tools to escape it to be provided by someone who I've only recently learned was a rapist. From hellfire to hellfire and back out again. I've been scorched, lied to, screamed at, manipulated by the people I cared about the most, while at the same time assisted, consoled and sheltered by them enough to find some identity and flair in my own right. I've gone from coming within a hair of being a father, through blatant lies and misplaced trust, to fast becoming a woman in all senses of the word, through support of a truly caring community and my body gently leading me to what I feel is right.
I once felt like I've wasted a large chunk of my life feeling trapped in the run down casino town where I was born and raised, shifting from having wanted to become a park ranger to hearing stories of my roommate's family's shenanigans in the very places I'd intended to guide tourists through, with year after year in between wasted wheeling books around in a little warehouse only a couple miles and a short hike away from where I'd found the mask in the first place.
I watched the furry community in Reno grow from next to nothing to staffing, helping set up, and experience the first iteration of the fastest-growing, hype-heavy con in the whole damn fandom, only to leave and later realize there were literally only two other people I could've sustained any real connection with had I tried harder, one of which had all but vanished for most of my time there, to watching the remnants of my presence fade to tiny threads and nothing more, not even a year after I left.
And these days? I live with a kind-hearted man who plays classic bollywood hits in the living room, plays on and rebuilds computers from before even the Commodore days, and love an equally kind-hearted chemist who likes classic 40s movies and Jeff Rosenstock. I've found family, love, and support here, in a way I've heard another of us literally call "draconic values", though the real meaning is never set in stone. I'm on a monogamous edge of a four-way relationship, friends drawn close, the sensual dances to me simply another form of communication, sharing, and all of us in full agreement doing our own takes on the side. And since finding a life this nice, I feel drawn to sharing it as best I can and helping others find their own, however I can.
There is so much more I could tell you, but if nothing else, I have several things up my sleeve that you won't find in many people, and a combination of strange circumstances that you won't find with anyone else, period. It's the experiences and the stories. The ones I write, the ones I live, and the ones I see and read that give Vanadis hir true power, and through that, myself as well. I'm a storyteller, a creator, a performer.
I'm here to perform, here to share, and even if it's, at it's most basic level, an act, there's a little more to it. You're gonna see me liken wearing a dragon to being a dragon. Sie's a role, a facet, but within those threads... sie is me. This is how I see my identity.
I'm not sure what's to become of the little gryphon girl. She's well liked by people in her own right, and she is just as much me, in a subtler, perhaps less artificial, contrived way. She's not going to be consumed by the mask, but rather the host that carries, wears and nurtures it. As to what that entails, that remains to me seen.
