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kawaburdSorry to start this whole thing with something heavy, but I don't think I'd be using a site like this otherwise.
For most of the past month I've been dwelling on what some things mean to me. Magic and otherkin at the forefront, ambitions, emotions and the circle I've sailed into surrounding that. I've been playing this game literally for 14 years now, nearly half my life, but I've had some old spirits, so to speak, crop up with an intensity that almost scares me.
I feel like my higher self is trying to tell me something. Either a lesson or a quest, maybe both. For most of the past month it's hijacked my bodily perception. Since Christmas I've been a dragon. That cute little featherfluff in my icon? Hardly seen hide nor hair of her since.
I'm not really sure why, but there's something in that I feel a potent fear in facing. Hands shake and typing becomes a challenge. I need to explain, I view dragons as creatures with truly immense creative power. In my eyes they, we, ARE creative power. Kawa's still in here, waiting for me to finish whatever it is I need to do, but she's stepped back and bowed down. I've been trying to make sense of this awhile now. Why is sie watching me, waiting, trying to console me? Why am I watching, waiting, trying to console myself?
It feels almost like... I'm starting to acknowledge how much power there truly is in my words, my pens, my paintbrushes. And the idea of using it in any truly focus, deliberate way scares me. But it's not just drawing, it's performance.
It's a familiar thing in LaVeyan Satanism. Those faithful believe in neither gods nor devils but perform the ritual anyway for the emotional effect. For the theatrics. They see the power in it. So do I.
Sie playfully, calmly, encourages me to wear hir like a coat. To take up the scales and the horns willingly, bring them to a con, and make people smile, becoming both performer and performance. I want to. I really do, so then what's trying to hold me back... Vanadis? What's really going on here? And why does it feel like impostor syndrome?
...I'm going to find out. I have to. But . . . how?
And how comfortable am I, truly, with people actually calling me Vanadis, even temporarily?
For most of the past month I've been dwelling on what some things mean to me. Magic and otherkin at the forefront, ambitions, emotions and the circle I've sailed into surrounding that. I've been playing this game literally for 14 years now, nearly half my life, but I've had some old spirits, so to speak, crop up with an intensity that almost scares me.
I feel like my higher self is trying to tell me something. Either a lesson or a quest, maybe both. For most of the past month it's hijacked my bodily perception. Since Christmas I've been a dragon. That cute little featherfluff in my icon? Hardly seen hide nor hair of her since.
I'm not really sure why, but there's something in that I feel a potent fear in facing. Hands shake and typing becomes a challenge. I need to explain, I view dragons as creatures with truly immense creative power. In my eyes they, we, ARE creative power. Kawa's still in here, waiting for me to finish whatever it is I need to do, but she's stepped back and bowed down. I've been trying to make sense of this awhile now. Why is sie watching me, waiting, trying to console me? Why am I watching, waiting, trying to console myself?
It feels almost like... I'm starting to acknowledge how much power there truly is in my words, my pens, my paintbrushes. And the idea of using it in any truly focus, deliberate way scares me. But it's not just drawing, it's performance.
It's a familiar thing in LaVeyan Satanism. Those faithful believe in neither gods nor devils but perform the ritual anyway for the emotional effect. For the theatrics. They see the power in it. So do I.
Sie playfully, calmly, encourages me to wear hir like a coat. To take up the scales and the horns willingly, bring them to a con, and make people smile, becoming both performer and performance. I want to. I really do, so then what's trying to hold me back... Vanadis? What's really going on here? And why does it feel like impostor syndrome?
...I'm going to find out. I have to. But . . . how?
And how comfortable am I, truly, with people actually calling me Vanadis, even temporarily?
no subject
Date: 2016-01-18 10:52 pm (UTC)Would temporarily changing those performances and decisions really be damaging to an intent that remains intact beneath it? And if it were changed because of these new experiences, would that be a bad thing, or merely just a transition to something that feels more genuine?
I personally believe that we are but the sum of our experiences. In some ways, to deny yourself a desired experience is to deny a part of your very being-- something that should only be done with very good reason.
Were I in your shoes, I would embrace this new part of self, and try to learn that which it came to teach me. It's not every day a dragon comes from within to share their tricks.
Besides; if your most nurturing sense of self is coaching you on, how bad could it really be?
no subject
Date: 2016-01-19 05:41 am (UTC)Vanadis is pushing me to be a real-life showoff for a good reason. That power she's pushing? It's the antithesis the immense reservedness I show in public most days. Same thing that's cause me to miss many connections and opportunities over the years. Frankly, the reason I've been *drifting* for so long.
no subject
Date: 2016-01-19 06:19 am (UTC)no subject
Date: 2016-01-19 05:48 pm (UTC)She's coming back. That cute little fluffball is absolutely distinctly me. That doesn't change. But the little pet is too timid to do what she really wants in more than short bursts. That's where I come in and start setting examples.
(Sheeeesh, remind me NEVER to link therapists, especially pill-pushers, to shit like this! XD)
no subject
Date: 2016-01-19 03:09 pm (UTC)I've always known there was a dragon within me, but I've denied its existence until recently.
Embracing that dragon has helped me to see places in my life where I have been choosing short term comfort over long term happiness, and I have made it my mission to chose the latter in every one of those situations since.
It's been 6 months now; I've lost 70 lbs and I'm coming to terms with the person I really am inside. All this time, I thought embracing my inner dragon was about making a performance.. but it turns out the me I had expressed previously was just a performance all along.
You are loved and cared for deeply. Don't be afraid to explore yourself; it can only lead to a more fulfilling sense of self. Even if the path there is a scary one, remember you're not walking it alone.
no subject
Date: 2016-01-19 05:53 pm (UTC)I talked with Mono about some things that had me a little unsettled and what was holding me back. Best I can explain, I initially feared Vanadis was me pretending to be someone else. Someone who made a somewhat heavy impact on the fandom not too long ago. I'm not gonna say who or why, but after some reflections, that is VERY much not the case.
no subject
Date: 2016-01-28 05:22 am (UTC)------------------------------
RE Imposter Syndrome:
This stuff is really difficult to deal with. I've described my own situation similarly. Some days I feel like a thin shell of anxiety around a brilliant core, held together only by they pressure I've put myself under. On those days it feels like I'm going to crack and lose myself. It also feels like I have to, though, but I'm not sure exactly what that means. One thing's for sure, I've a lot of crying to do to make it through my own transformation. :S
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RE Emotions:
Yeah... I know those feels. Are you're aware, I suffer from a *ridiculous* amount of anxiety related to my emotions and creativity, something that's mentally paralyzed me for many years. On top of that, religion, with a heavy side of self-hate has pretty much done its damnedest to make even a passing mention of spirituality poisonous. We may have come to this path by slightly different roads, but yours looks awfully familiar as of late.
The power we have to communicate on an emotional level is *so* powerful as to be terrifying. Those pens, that art, those little strains of music are something utterly unique and devastating. And so we fear to misuse them, knowing full well the damage that can be done if they not used with the utmost care. But to not use them is to rob the universe of ourselves at our utmost, at our most brilliant selves. And so we must.
Here's the key, though, as you said. Because we have been afraid of it, we can *see* it. We can *choose* to use that magic, that performance, to change others, and in so doing, change ourselves. I too will be a performer some day, though not *today*, as I still have many paths to walk yet. If your path takes you there now, try to embrace it, and see where it takes you. I may not be ready to join you just yet, but I will certainly be cheering you on. :)
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And finally, on a more personal note, I'm really excited to see the pronouns you've chosen. Dragons bridge many things, and it's not surprising to me that gender would be one of them. :)